chiller blog

Posted Sep 15, 08 09:36 AM

The Cable Guide

I died, lived, and twisted to that ritual.

With each month's first, between the junior high day ending and family meat loaf at sundown, my juvenile blood pressure-cooked. Seven swift dials to the downstairs rotary and I was AT&T-ing with my best friend, Steve Olson. Steve rained horror movie manna. Steve's parents had HBO.

"Got it?" I erupted.

"Got it. The mail was on the table," he assured, counselor to my junky. The pristine pages of the new HBO catalog flicked audibly amid his lucky index fingers and thumbs.

"What's on the cover?"

"Psycho II. Norman Bates on top of the stairs, looking up at the house. The figure in the upstairs window. It's an 'HBO Only'."

Forever visual, I instantly channeled the sequel's pretty cool cardboard lobby display. The advertising people even popped for a miniature light bulb, flickering on and off so you could see Mrs. Bates in the window. Then in shadow. In the window... Shadow... So I said, "... Cool."

Immediately, like a late night round of campfire stories I never once heard, Steve cheerily obliged with economic summaries on a slate of scary movies I wasn't supposed to see. But like any taboo kept responsibly out of reach -- well, at least for a while -- the slightest grain of info built upon a forbidden movie's mystique. Bam! This created the experience (in most cases) years before there was ever an actual viewing experience. Call it a knothole in a tall, rotting fence. The "I wanna see!" clearing inside a hedge. The hole in the wall at the Bates Motel, masked by a harmless picture of a birdy.

This is where we "peeked".

Detail minutia got sponged up. The what’s? The who's in them? The running times. The MPAA ratings. And my favorite, the reasons why a particular title got that particular rating. We'd play guessing games as to that one.

Of Psycho II (1983):

"Hmm," Mikey mused, as if bidding on new patio furniture. "Adult language, adult situations, violence, brief nudity?"

"No," Steve corrected. "Adult situations, graphic violence, nudity."

"Really?" I answered. "I could've sworn there was cussing..."

Of The Shining (1980):

Steve: "Adult language and situations; graphic violence; nudity; horror."

Me: "Horror? I've never heard that one listed before."

Steve: "Well, that's what it says."

Me: "Wow... must be good!"

Ah, kids. They can be so twisted. But thankfully, they don't know. And what's better, they don't care. And it wasn't so much a draw to the idea of explicit content. It was a draw to that which was off-limits. The most thrilling moments of my childhood were the moments when I ventured towards leaving it all behind.

Steve and I went our separate ways. Part of that “too bad…” was that HBO’s explicitly-laden The Hitchhiker series gave way to their explicitly-laden (and fun, fun, fun!) Tales from the Crypt series. More creepy stuff dangled just beyond my “he’s too young” grasp. Big *sigh*. Add another day to one of those days.

HBO redid their catalog over the years. I don't know if they still have one, to be frank. "Adult themes" replaced "adult situations" and "adult subject matter.” "Mild violence" got grouped in with regular "violence.” "Profanity" was nowhere to be found. Funny, I’d always mispronounced “strong sexual CONtent” as “strong sexual content.” But I'm tall enough now -- and old enough -- to see the neighborhood spook house over the old fence.

That view is never the same as when you're a child.